An Honest Look Inward

 

It is painful learning that judgment and compassion, bitterness and love, or anger and peace cannot exist in the same heart.

This revelation is a result of a conversation with my dad.

I have always considered myself to be a “daddy’s girl,” thinking that I will always love and support him unconditionally. I admit to living in this bubble, comfortably and happily. Then, illness struck my mother.

I remember calling home, one day, to check on my parents. “How’s mama?”

“What about me?” My dad replies irritably. “Everybody is calling about your mama and nobody has bothered to ask me how I’m doing.”

His response shocks me. I grit my teeth, so I won’t yell back at him. I let him rant for a few minutes. “Daddy, I’m sorry. I know this is hard on you.” Even though my words sound soothing and contrite, my heart begins to fill with anger. Our conversation leads to the beginning of the hardening of my heart towards my dad.

It is sad to realize just how easy it was to mold my interaction with him according to his mood. To feel the walls building around my heart and doing nothing to try to shatter them. Soon, the only things I notice are the things I feel like he isn’t doing right, instead of being thankful for all that he is doing to take care of her.

When I listen to him talk about being embarrassed by her actions or the things she blurts out, I get angry with him. When I listen to him say he wishes she would “act right” and do what she is supposed to do, I always find a way to end the conversation and then rant about his insensitivity and lack of understanding.

This goes on for two years. He never suspects how cold my heart is growing toward him each time he complains about my mother to me. I think, as far as he is concerned, everything between us remains the same. He can talk to me and know that I will try to understand his point of view, but I am pulling farther away from him. Not returning his text messages or answering his calls. Talking every day turns into once a week, then maybe twice a month, finally to only text messages.

But, then, one day I call just to check on him. For the first time, he becomes vulnerable and admits the things he struggles with – guilt, fear, regret, sadness, pain, and shame. Feelings of not being the best husband he thinks he could have been. Scared because he is watching the woman he loves deteriorate before his very eyes and there is nothing he can do to help her.

My heart breaks during that conversation. I am hearing the voice of a young man, who was once filled with hopes and dream, now facing the awful reality of a life drastically changed into something he could have never imagined. It causes me to reflect on my own life – how my life is the exact opposite of what I dreamed about before chronic pain and illness wreaked havoc. I have firsthand experience of the grit and determination it takes to make it through the hard days of living in constant pain.

It becomes easy for me to feel his hurt, the searing pain, the disappointment. “Daddy, I’m so sorry!” We talk for a long while. “I appreciate you for all you are doing for mama,” I admit to him. “I love you.”

After our call, I ask God to forgive me for harboring hatred, judgment, disgust, and anger in my heart and for not obeying His command to love and honor my father.

I really thought learning about compassion would involve me learning how to love better and look at things from someone else’s perspective. I did not anticipate having my sins exposed and laid bare. Of being forced to take a look at the ugliness residing inside of me, especially while I thought I was doing OK. Of coming to understand just how easy it is to be self-deceived when I am feeling self-righteous. Of understanding just how important it is to leave judgment to God and concentrate on walking in love.

I can’t get back the precious time I lost with my father; times I should have encouraged him or listened to his concerns and prayed with him; moments of just being a daughter who loved her dad. And that realization hurts. However, I can learn from my mistake and make sure that I don’t waste another moment allowing anger and bitterness to rob me of a chance to walk in love and compassion. To lean on my Heavenly Father for wisdom and understanding, so I can support, love, and encourage my earthly father through this heart wrenching phase of our lives.

 

Prayer: Father, forgive us when we think we know what is in someone else’s heart. Only You have that ability, even though we feel like we should have it ourselves. Heal our hurts so we don’t spread them to others. Teach us to love ourselves so we can love those around us the way You want us to. Give us the compassion we need to be Your light in this world.